After all it wasn’t a heinous crime, nobody died from the lack of truth, but nobody lived either…Face of the Hidden

Face of the Hidden

By

Diana Creel Elarde

 

I didn’t try to change her words, her rationalization. When she spoke them I nodded, like I was agreeing with her. I was, in principle, in the abstract world where silent words are used without feeling. But the truth was, her words were hollow, not true.

It began to be easier and easier every day to engage in her lie, the truth we never spoke about. I had let the opportunity for truth go by without a word of protest. My agreement became our reality. My lack of denial became the words we then lived by.

It was years before I tried to deny to her the words we had agreed on. The shock, the residue of months upon months of living with the lie had built too many walls, built a new way of life. She looked at me blankly when I tried to tear down the lie. Refusing to acknowledge, the look, her look, stared through me, around me and then moved her on to another task. She hummed when she turned her face, her eyes, from me, perhaps pretending I wasn’t even there. Her hands hurried, stumbling to get all the items in her hand straight and in a line.

I felt foolish standing there unacknowledged, watching her retreat into the web of the lie. Too late for truth rang in my head and I moved out of the room, leaving her to be.

I stand at her grave now, truths and lies buried below my feet. The clouds above me break up and clear to blue skies. Are they an indication of what I should be doing as well? Clear it away, forget it. After all, it wasn’t a heinous crime, nobody died from the lack of truth, but nobody lived either.

I shuffle my feet along the old grass which is still undisturbed from the burial. It is still damp with dew, drops of it cling to my black shoes, causing sparkles of color to appear. They mesmerize me, making me look to examine their color, their form. People walk quietly by me, by the sparkles on my shoes, leaving me in what they perceive as my grief, my loss. I let them leave; relieved to avoid further conversation. How many times can you express grief, sympathy, sorrow? When do the words run out? When are they enough? I wait until I hear the collection of car doors close, one after the other, before I look up.

He’s the only one left. But he will stay silent. He will know by my look, by my walk to his car, not the time for words, no matter what he wants to say. My car door sounds like the others, hard and metal, closing away this time, this grief. And, closing away the lie.

I look back to her site, imagining the stone which will soon mark her place, mark the few words of her life. Born here, died now, lived in-between. Time will cast doubt on what she said, what she believed. Will the day come when I will doubt it too? When time and space will alter my reality and I will accept her words as what was, as what is.

I watch through the car window as we drive away. My face, my eyes reflecting back to me as the sun, the clouds combine for me to see my image in the window. I angle my eyes upward, moving away from my reflection. Not wanting to see either tears or traces of grief in my eyes. I move my sun glasses to my face, becoming now the face of the hidden. The sun, in its wisdom, moves from my window leaving me with only a clear view of her grave.

 

copyrightDElarde,2015

Play like a girl – GO TEAM USA~

LESSONS FROM THE SOCCER FIELD

For nearly twenty years I experienced life from the sidelines of a soccer field. My son was four when he first played. His first kick off resulted in a goal which unfortunately didn’t count because two players had to touch the ball before it could be considered a goal. (Follow that?)  From that moment, game on!  And still today his first love in sports and perhaps in life is soccer.

My daughter too, had her love of soccer and played during her teenage years. It was a great thrill for her to experience so much success through her competitive years.  Later, as a young adult she taught soccer to small children around the Seattle area.

My actual playing of soccer involved one brief 5 week period when the moms and dads of my son’s team decided, wouldn’t it be fun to play indoors.  And after being reassured we would be in a forty and over league, what the heck, let’s try it.  After all how hard could it be? Unfortunately for us the only team over forty was our team!  We could have easily called ourselves the Groan Team, because during and after that’s all one would hear from us. Clearly, my kids didn’t inherit a soccer gene from me.

After all those years of being around soccer I couldn’t help to hear common comments from the array of coaches.  With the World Cup playing center stages, I tried to recap a few of these

  1. Go to the ball – if you won’t others will

How many times do we stand to the side, either in soccer or in life, afraid to move forward when someone with a tad more courage  out plays us, or suggests the idea we had also thought of or speaks to the girl or guy we were thinking of approaching. Sometime we have to move ourselves forward before our opportunities passes.

  1. Play fair, but send a message when you need to –  

This can be a tricky one – when you have someone continually after you (or biting you!?) there does come a time to take a stand.

  1. It may not be a fair call – deal with it 

I think this one might be repeated over and over again, not only to players but to fans and especially parents. The refs call them as they see them and with all the action on the field, sometimes calls from the best refs aren’t good calls.  Well, sometimes you’re the windshield and sometimes you’re the bug.  Move on!

  1. Ignore the score – play with your heart 

Don’t you just love those players that continue to play their hardest when the score says their team is losing?  Soccer changing in seconds, as demonstrated many times in the World Cup. Play your heart out until the end!

  1. It’s a running game – run 

It’s the expectation of the game. If you only want to meet the expectations, try another game. 

  1. Your team mates are just that

They are the people you play with, some you are friends with, but many years down the line, they will be people and names.  In other words don’t take their criticisms to heart.  In two years, five years and even twenty years will be matter what they thought?

  1. Keep your eye on the ball 

Watch your intention. If your intention is to win, make sure you keep your attention on what will get you there. 

  1. Don’t get sucked in 

Team success (and perhaps your success) involves keeping in touch with your job and what you need to do.  Getting off course or paying attention to those things which may cause you to play “off sides” doesn’t help the cause.

  1. Sometimes you have to take one for the team 

You may be asked to play a different position or even sit along the sidelines.  And yes, it is hard to understand or even accept those requests, but grace goes a long ways

  1. It’s a game – have fun! 

It is a game and a fun game!  Enjoy every minute that you can, because some day the sidelines will be your only view.

                                                                            GO TEAM USA!